As another weekend draws to an untimely end, 35 hours of soul destroying tedium circles through your conscious like a corporate feathered vulture. Sunday's television schedule does little to distract you from the thoughts of a job that you once donned your finest suit to secure, and here, in a moment of depressing clarity is the realisation that, "this is your life." Instead of a red book filled with your greatest feats and wittiest one-liners, the best that you can achieve is two pages of Arial 11 point detailing your employment history and one or two hobbies that you added in a desperate attempt to make it sound as though you were a true team player and not the mis-anthropic, work-hating malcontent that you actually are.

If this sounds familiar then fear not, you are not alone. The Daily Grindstone is here to help you through the perils of employment and give weight to your long held belief that, despite the hype, work just isn't that great. So... make another cup of tea (remember that a full kettle takes longer to boil and can add minutes to your break), get comfortable, and prepare to adjust the scales of the work-life balance a little more in your favour.

Thursday, 7 April 2011

Solving the Dictator Emploment Crisis

Events currently taking place across Europe and North Africa have been met with unparalleled levels of condemnation. Whilst the people of Libya sacrifice their lives to oust Gaddafi, British citizens have taken to their Twitter accounts in outrage at Simon Cowell's recent announcement. When the news hit that X-Factor 2011 would feature a revised panel of judges, half-witted fame-hungry bedlamites spoke out in disgust. Who would be capable of filling Cheryl's size five stilettos? Who could replace louis' unfaltering confidence that every boy band would be the new Westlife? Do we have enough parts to build a new Danni Minogue? In this fear and panic, the solution to both these problems has been unfairly overlooked.

The world will soon face an employment crisis as growing numbers of deposed dictators are required to "jazzy up" their CVs and meet with careers advisors. There is no demand for reckless disregard for human life (unless you wish to join the Metropolitan police) so why not let these individuals judge talentless morons on the X-Factor?

Not only would TV audiences struggle to discern the differences between a washed up pop star and a Libyan dictator, but should X-Factor critics speak poorly of the show, a violent militia could be rapidly assembled. In appearance both Danni Minogue and Muammar Gaddafi, feature the "full to bursting" look of Botox riddled pores, and in speaking Mubarak's propaganda filled rhetoric is barely discernable from Louis Walsh's softly spoken drivel. But how do we replace Cheryl? Using state of the art technology, show producers could reanimate the corpse of Iraq's iron fisted patriarch, Saddam Hussein. Whilst the smell of putrefying flesh may discourage some younger fans, there is no denying that their shared taste for beating up ethnic minorities in nightclub toilets is uncanny.

Simon Cowell's proposed replacement is currently enjoying full employment from the North Korean "government" but, given his healthy relationship with the western media, an attractive deal from ITV should be sufficient to lure him away. Both Kim Jong Il and Simon Cowell have made unimaginable riches from inflicting suffering on their fellow countrymen and so it is only fair that the Korean big gun fills the top position.

The roles of Dermot O'Leary and Konnie Huq are currently up for grabs, so please feel free to suggest your favourite dictator.
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