As another weekend draws to an untimely end, 35 hours of soul destroying tedium circles through your conscious like a corporate feathered vulture. Sunday's television schedule does little to distract you from the thoughts of a job that you once donned your finest suit to secure, and here, in a moment of depressing clarity is the realisation that, "this is your life." Instead of a red book filled with your greatest feats and wittiest one-liners, the best that you can achieve is two pages of Arial 11 point detailing your employment history and one or two hobbies that you added in a desperate attempt to make it sound as though you were a true team player and not the mis-anthropic, work-hating malcontent that you actually are.

If this sounds familiar then fear not, you are not alone. The Daily Grindstone is here to help you through the perils of employment and give weight to your long held belief that, despite the hype, work just isn't that great. So... make another cup of tea (remember that a full kettle takes longer to boil and can add minutes to your break), get comfortable, and prepare to adjust the scales of the work-life balance a little more in your favour.

Thursday, 17 March 2011

The best advice that you will ever receive

Somewhere in the haze of last night was the revelation that, contrary to everything that past experience has taught you, a bout of heavy drinking will “almost definitely” improve your ability to work in the morning. Having woken up with the unusual, but all too familiar sensation of navigating an ocean liner in a storm, you begin to doubt the previous night’s scientific breakthrough. Before you haul yourself from your swing chair to vomit out your excesses into the waste paper basket, let me tell you why drinking on a week night is the finest idea that you have probably ever had.

The numbing effects of alcohol not only make a tedious jobs more bearable, but the concentration required to avoid your stomach emptying its content onto the desk like a half digested picnic hamper, will help to make your day go by much quicker. By the time that your hangover has lifted, you will look at your watch to discover that only two more hours of work remain. Granted, you haven’t managed to get any work completed, but then you didn’t yesterday and at least today you have had chance to read the Top 10 unsolved mysteries on

Smelling like a pub carpet, whilst unattractive, serves as the perfect colleague repellent. As their nostrils quiver at the smell of whisky/sambuca/surgical spirit seeping out through your pores, their request for you to take them through the new printing process will suddenly seem less important. The occasional hiccup or muted belch will help to remind persistent colleagues that they should only approach you if the matter is of utmost importance - unless an asteroid is about to hit the earth, they should probably just leave you to the staring contest you have been holding with the photocopier for the last fifteen minutes.

If you are a new entrant into the world of work, please do feel discouraged by the above advice. Although careers advisors have told you to make a good first impression, turning up pissed to work on your first day is actually the better course of action. As you sit at your desk with bloodshot eyes and the “1000 yard stare” of a war veteran, your new colleagues will come to believe that this is your natural, resting state. From this point on you can continue to turn up hung-over without raising suspicion or, should you choose to enter the office sober, your employers will be so impressed by your vigour, healthy complexion, and new found productivity that they will undoubtedly put you forward for promotion.

....alternatively you may just receive a P45 and an invite to Alcoholics Anonymous. Follow this advice at your own cost!

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