Somewhere in the haze of last night was the revelation that, contrary to everything that past experience has taught you, a bout of heavy drinking will “almost definitely” improve your ability to work in the morning. Having woken up with the unusual, but all too familiar sensation of navigating an ocean liner in a storm, you begin to doubt the previous night’s scientific breakthrough. Before you haul yourself from your swing chair to vomit out your excesses into the waste paper basket, let me tell you why drinking on a week night is the finest idea that you have probably ever had.
The numbing effects of alcohol not only make a tedious jobs more bearable, but the concentration required to avoid your stomach emptying its content onto the desk like a half digested picnic hamper, will help to make your day go by much quicker. By the time that your hangover has lifted, you will look at your watch to discover that only two more hours of work remain. Granted, you haven’t managed to get any work completed, but then you didn’t yesterday and at least today you have had chance to read the Top 10 unsolved mysteries on Listverse.com.
Smelling like a pub carpet, whilst unattractive, serves as the perfect colleague repellent. As their nostrils quiver at the smell of whisky/sambuca/surgical spirit seeping out through your pores, their request for you to take them through the new printing process will suddenly seem less important. The occasional hiccup or muted belch will help to remind persistent colleagues that they should only approach you if the matter is of utmost importance - unless an asteroid is about to hit the earth, they should probably just leave you to the staring contest you have been holding with the photocopier for the last fifteen minutes.
If you are a new entrant into the world of work, please do feel discouraged by the above advice. Although careers advisors have told you to make a good first impression, turning up pissed to work on your first day is actually the better course of action. As you sit at your desk with bloodshot eyes and the “1000 yard stare” of a war veteran, your new colleagues will come to believe that this is your natural, resting state. From this point on you can continue to turn up hung-over without raising suspicion or, should you choose to enter the office sober, your employers will be so impressed by your vigour, healthy complexion, and new found productivity that they will undoubtedly put you forward for promotion.
....alternatively you may just receive a P45 and an invite to Alcoholics Anonymous. Follow this advice at your own cost!
No comments:
Post a Comment