As another weekend draws to an untimely end, 35 hours of soul destroying tedium circles through your conscious like a corporate feathered vulture. Sunday's television schedule does little to distract you from the thoughts of a job that you once donned your finest suit to secure, and here, in a moment of depressing clarity is the realisation that, "this is your life." Instead of a red book filled with your greatest feats and wittiest one-liners, the best that you can achieve is two pages of Arial 11 point detailing your employment history and one or two hobbies that you added in a desperate attempt to make it sound as though you were a true team player and not the mis-anthropic, work-hating malcontent that you actually are.

If this sounds familiar then fear not, you are not alone. The Daily Grindstone is here to help you through the perils of employment and give weight to your long held belief that, despite the hype, work just isn't that great. So... make another cup of tea (remember that a full kettle takes longer to boil and can add minutes to your break), get comfortable, and prepare to adjust the scales of the work-life balance a little more in your favour.

Wednesday 30 March 2011

The Shit Break

There is no greater pleasure than being paid to empty your bowels. Sitting there resplendent on your throne, you can stimulate your intestines safe in the knowledge that your employer is paying you for the privilege. The toilet cubicle, whilst sporting the faint aroma of your fellow employees’ excrement, is your sanctuary - make the necessary deposits and you can return whenever you require respite from your day to day labors.

Unlike the tea break or the trip to the stationary cupboard, the toilet break has no time limit. Your fellow workers have no desire to hear about the length of your movements or the tricky bits of sweetcorn that just won't budge, so take your time and enjoy your trip to the ceramic bowl of freedom. In the event that a co-worker does raise an eyebrow to your latest thirty minute stint, simply utter the following words, "I think I ate something funny last night." Whilst they cringe in disgust at the thought of loose stools hitting crisp white porcelain, smile comfortably, safe in the knowledge that you have just earned a day ticket to unlimited skiving.

With the advent of mobile internet browsing, the toilet break can become more than you ever dreamt possible. As you "fill the pond with brown trout," you are free to catch up on Facebook or simply beat your highest score on Angry Birds. The toilet break is your opportunity to claw back time from your employer and spend it on life's little pleasures (unloading your digestive system being one). Choose life, choose red meat and choose stodgy lunches.
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